i realize that more often than not, my posts have a positive message. today, this will not be the case, so let me apologize ahead of time. maybe i'm sharing this because someone out there can relate to me and you need to hear someone else voice how you've been feeling... i don't know. but i'm going to be transparent and share my heart because i think we are called to be real with each other and real isn't always happy.
today has been a pretty rough one for me, personally. don't get me wrong, i have celebrated all of the amazing moms in my life this whole weekend joyfully, but today i've been fairly sad. those of you who know me well know this doesn't happen often, but the reality of being a childless 29 1/2 year old woman has been hard for me today. i know i'm still young and there are plenty of women who have children into their 30s and even 40s, but that is no consolation to me...
today as dozens of children (of some of my favorite mothers) led our church in worship and dozens more who are too young to speak (much less sing) surrounded me, my heart hurt. i find it nearly impossible to explain this pain to someone who was able to get pregnant without any kind of planning at all or to someone who has absolutely no desire to ever have children. and the ones who have walked this road before me and who are walking it with me don't need me to explain: they just know.
so this is the funk i've been in today.
i went to church, took my mom for an arby's roast beef sandwich and an ice cream cone, came home and took a 3 hour nap and then went to visit with my grandmother, my mom and my aunts for a few hours. i subscribed to the knoxville news sentinel's sunday-only edition on friday and my first issue was supposed to be delivered today. it wasn't. thankfully, kris brought home the coupons from his mom's paper, so when i got home i clipped them and checked out the deals at walgreens. (we were completely out of toilet paper, so i had to go the store anyway)
when i got there, i went to the deodorant section first. (walgreens has a coupon for $1.99 on mitchum deodorant and i had a coupon for $1 off) as i was looking (and sniffing), a large black woman walked by me and said that she really liked the kind i had in my hand. that she had used it before. we had a pleasant little exchange, i thanked her and kept on sniffing as she walked away.
a couple of minutes later, she came back, stopped in front of the deodorant and said, "no, it's the degree that i like." she took 2 or 3 tubes off the shelf as i was flipping to the coupon in the walgreens ad. when i pointed and said that the mitchum was on sale for $1.99, she said (and i quote), "i ain't paying for that s*&%." and proceeded to put all of the deodorant in her purse.
i stood there with my mouth agape. she walked off and when she was out of sight, i walked over to a group of employees and replayed the account of what had just happened. they went out into the parking lot, but she had already made her escape.
i am absolutely dumbfounded. this makes me feel angry and confused and disappointed. what the heck is wrong with people? and our society? our government has created such a sense of entitlement: an environment where people feel they can take whatever they want and don't care at all whose dime it's on... (the cashier told me that their store had an $80,000 loss last year on stolen items!)
and i can't help but feel like this same type of individual gives birth multiple times (at the government's expense) only to let the state assume responsibility for her children. (i have several dear friends who are raising and loving foster children as their own who were birthed by women just like ms. deodorant) or who chooses to have an abortion because a child just doesn't fit into her plans... who sees babies as an inconvenience and not as the precious gifts they are.
i can't wait to see my heavenly Father face-to-face. i have so many things i want to ask Him...
why is it that so many women who want so desperately to be mothers experience the heartache of never feeling their own flesh and blood swimming around inside of them? while others feel empowered by having the choice to snuff out the life of the unborn?
there are some things i just don't understand.
but God is still God. and He still sits on the throne. and even on my hardest days, they are no comparison to the weight of the world my perfect Saviour assumed a couple thousand years ago...
I will be praying for you Amanda! I had two miscarriages before I had Brevin and then it took us a year and a half of trying and infertility issues to conceive Mia....I know all too well the pain of not being able to get pregnant easily! I hope you can find peace in your Father's arms! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh wow Amanda. I only met you one time, but you already have the heart of a Mom, and someday you will be blessed with children, for whatever reason, this is not God's time for you just yet. I know what you mean about the deodorant lady, it seems so unfair that so many people with that immoral mentality can just pop out the babies with absolutely no appreciation for the gift they have been blessed with. I've known many people like that, also many people who have either abused their babies or had abortions. You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure them out, but you have to reach a point where you just trust that God has it under control. We will never understand that but thankfully we don't have to! Thank you for opening up and sharing your heart. Just keep your Faith in our Heavenly Father.
ReplyDeleteOh, Amanda! That is a tough burden to have. I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes, I can only imagine; however, I do share some of your frustrations about society these days. I could elaborate even more... but no need for that. I wanted to give you a small ounce of peace by reminding you of our Father's words of hope from Jeremiah 28:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And although that is a great verse, what is even more facinating and hopeful... vs 12-14 "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD." I feel strongly that when you have a desire in your heart that burns so deeply, He has frankly GIVEN you that desire for a reason. And as a father to a child, He only wants to give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)... but, He knows best... the timing, the purpose, the heart of it all. It is trust and patience that will test your faith. And that, I do understand. I hope that you will feel God's love for you up close and personal right now and any time you feel these doubts and uncertainties and frustrations. He knows what a great witness you are for Him and I am sure He has plans to bless you indeed! One way or another, there is hope in your future and He is always in control. Right now. Tomorrow.... Always. You hang in there and expect great and many blessings. Even when you are down, angry, or feel its not fair... Its like He says, "Be patient, My child, I haven't left you out... I haven't forgotten you.... don't you worry." I am so sorry you are going through this. You are right- you are still very young. Keep your chin up as high as you can and keep looking up at your Father and he wont let you down.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. And honestly...it stinks. But there is no doubt that God is bringing you to a place where your faith must be challenged. There you have this amazing opportunity to develop a deeper faith. Now right now you are probably thinking I would much rather just have the baby thank you very much. LOl. But God's plans for us are rarely just about a simple exchange. He wants to make our hearts more like His. Praying you will hold fast to His Word and cling to the promise that He works all things for your good. And one day, you will see...His plans are so good. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI am so unbelievably proud to be your husband. There's no way I deserve someone as good as you. I can see Jesus clearly in you, and sometimes it makes me jealous that He's not as clearly seen in me. I love you.
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