catching up and missing jason.

my goal when i started blogging again was once a week... well, it's been over a month and so much has happened, so i want to give you all an update on our happenings. warning: this might take a while! :)

mom's heart cath went perfectly last month... her ticker is better than he expected and her pressures were perfect!

4th of july was a little different this year... we usually spend the entire long weekend at the lake house, but kris wasn't feeling quite himself so we spent the weekend at home and just went up there on monday for some lake time and a cookout.

the weekend after that, i had a few gals over for a crafty crafters night. for those of you who don't know about crafty crafters, i have a TON of crafty stuff that i've bought over the last few years that i never find time to do anything with, so in january, i decided to start hosting a monthly crafting event at my house. the first few months got off to a great start and then life happened and we had to take a break for a couple of months, but crafty crafters reunited and the next date is already on the calendar... i don't know about all of you, but sometimes i just need some girl time and this provides that and a little domestic diva action too!

last week, kris and i had planned on camping wednesday through saturday (13th-16th) at the Jesus Rally, an event he did all of the booking and planning for this year. i was SO excited about it; bands and speakers and campfires at night and dollywood/splash country/tubing during the day.

well, things did NOT go as planned and i had VERY unexpected surgery last week... i'd had some pain in my lower abdomen for a few days and my doctor was able to work me in on the 8th. what she found was a softball sized cyst on my right ovary so she scheduled surgery on the 12th. the surgery went very well and she was able to remove the cyst and keep my ovary intact and although it is misshapen, it is 100% functional. let this be a lesson, if you have aches or pains, get them checked out! i try to avoid the doctor at all costs and could very easily ignored my pain and never known i had a major problem...

the Jesus Rally was a HUGE success and kris was so precious and tender with me after my surgery. he only stayed up there on wednesday night and drove back and forth all week to take care of me. mom stayed with us all week, put her nursing skiils to great use and was AMAZING while he was away...

so... for the last week, i have been recooperating. i worked for a few hours on tuesday (which looking back was a bit too soon) and on thursday as well and am starting to feel like myself again... i haven't had any pain meds for 3 or 4 days since i started driving and my incisions are healing up nicely. i'll have a follow up appointment on wednesday to make sure i'm all healed up on the inside.

this week (in addition to being basically homebound) has been a tough one for me emotionally. wednesday (the 20th) was the anniversary of losing my only brother, jason, in a drowning accident. grief is a crazy thing... life moves on, but there are certain days (most of which don't necessarily have a trigger) that are harder than others. this year was really tough for me. my sleep schedule is and has been TOTALLY jacked up (i'm typing this at almost 3 a.m. and am not the least bit tired), so after only sleeping about 5 hours, i woke up 11:00 on wednesday and immediately felt heavy.

last year, i created a photo album of pictures of jason and look through them often, but when i looked through them this week, i couldn't stop crying. this year, i think more than any other, he seems SO real. like, if i can look at his pictures 2 feet from my face on a screen that he is real and alive somehow... like i should just be able to pick up a phone and call him.

and then, all at once the unbearable weight that he'll never marry or have babies and that i'll never hear his voice or see his smile or hear his laugh or build sandcastles on family beach trips or feel his arms wrap around me in this lifetime ever again. and i find it hard to breathe.

there are so many emotions that have gone along with this journey over the last 9 years... from wondering how and why and why it couldn't have been me instead to feeling like it's all a dream... that he's just off at college or something; like it's someone else's life.

and my life looks COMPLETELY different than it did back then. i live in a different city. i've moved 7 times since then, i've been married and divorced, i've graduated from college and cosmetology school, i met, dated and married an incredible man, i bought a house, i got an amazing dog, i've gained some weight, i've made a whole new group of friends. in fact, when i posted something about how much i missed him, i was SO encouraged and loved on by my friends, but only a few of them ever knew jason. and that adds a whole new level of sadness. because they would have loved him.

he was 6'2", tough and tender, kind and smart, he loved to make people smile and laugh. he drove too fast and loved cinnamon toast crunch. he could eat a dozen eggs at breakfast and could jump over and completely clear a 5 foot high barbed wire fence. he loved the lake and crab legs and his playstation. he loved doing anything adventurous: from jumping off a rock cliff at the Y to whitewater rafting to riding jetskis all day long. and he knew me better than most people could. he'd known me since the day he was born. he (better than anyone else) understood what it was like to so desperately desire a relationship with our father only to be disappointed time and time and time again... there are so many family memories that no one else experienced but he and mom and me... and sometimes i'm afraid that i'll forget them.

i remembered a quote from a movie i love and googled the words "a heart can be broken but it still keeps beating just the same" on wednesday night and found a blogpost that was written just for me... if you find yourself grieving someone or something in your life, i'd definitely encourage you to read it too.

so... you are now caught up on the happenings of the loves and have some insight into my heart and mind and if you've spent your precious minutes reading this, the one thing i hope you take away is this: LOVE ON THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. tell them how precious they are to you... don't go to bed angry. speak LIFE into their lives and remember that the power of life and death is in your tongue... you can use your words to build up or to tear down, so be intentional with what you say. and realize that whether tragedy strikes today or never at all, that HE is still faithful.

because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. lamentations 3:22-23