living for an audience of One

something has been on my heart for some time now... something that i've recognized in a few people in my life, but that has more clearly been been revealed to me in more depth this week in myself. (a reminder of matthew 7:3, perhaps?)

i am going through a bible study called "no other gods: confronting our modern day idols" by kelly minter with 5 precious women i know.

during our first week, our assignment has been to identify what our functional gods are (the things that we focus the bulk of our time and attention on). i think we often associate idols with golden statues, but the truth is, anything that we do in excess can become our sole focus and, therefore, take the place of God in our lives.

for me, that would be seeking the approval of others. i have been quick to recognize this when i see it in other people (only in my own mind, of course...), but the truth is, there are times in my life when this has completely consumed my thoughts. sometimes, i get so caught up in how many friends i have, or how many people read what i write, or worrying about what someone thinks of me or doubting my abilities and career path, or comparing my body with a thinner friend's that i forget that i should only be trying to please One. not everyone. One.

this has a deep root, this desire in me to please... the earliest and only memories i really have of my father involve a strong emphasis on being perfect. and his approval. straight a's, strong athlete, bragging rights for his business trips, really.

oh, the damage fathers do in the lives of their children by establishing unrealistic expectations; and the wounds they cause without even knowing they've made a mark. it's hard to know the limitless love of a Savior when the love your father showed you involved parameters...

Lord, teach me to only be concerned about doing what you have called me to do. help me to take the focus off of myself and put it entirely on You. guard my mind from comparing myself to other people and what they do or don't do or have or don't have. help me be content with where you have me right now. remind me that your timing is always perfect. set up divine appointments with people so that you can use my story to minister to them, not for my own recognition, but to bring glory to You and You alone. order my steps and fill my mouth. let me NEVER take for granted all that you have delivered me from and all that you have given me. let me be sensitive to all that you are teaching me. purge the things in me that are not of You. thank You for the sacrifice You made for me so that i can experience true freedom from what the enemy meant for harm. Amen.